The salary the average Wall Street PC analyst pulls in each year.
Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."
Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."
What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skills.
What computer magazine companies do to you after they get your name on their mailing list.
A $100 mechanism in a $1200 cabinet that accesses vast quantities of valuable information too slowly to use.
The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.
What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time at the computer and not enough time studying.
What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in "You $#% computer!"
The process of uncovering glitches by packaging prerelease software as finished products, then waiting for irate customers to report problems.
- Default Directory:
The place where all files that you need disappear to.
What you made the first time you walked into a computer showroom to "just look."
- Expansion Unit:
The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.
What your secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes.
The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see Chips").
Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered.
The feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.
The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again.
- Installation routine:
A process employed by many applications to overwrite and thereby trash the user's existing and painstakingly created AUTOEXEC.BAT and CONFIG.SYS files.
- Live links:
A clever system that lets you unknowingly corrupt data in lots of separate files at the same time.
The process of talking to corporate press relations official. (Question: How many IBM PR types does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: We'll have to get back to you on that.)
Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.
What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.
The time it takes after your warranty expires for your hard disk to start making a noise like a monkey wrench in a blender.
- Open system:
Made up of parts from different manufacturers so that, when you crash, each vendor can blame the others.
It should have come free, but someone in the marketing department ran 1-2-3 and figured they'd double their profits this way.
A ninth memory bit that one time in nine will crash an otherwise perfectly functioning system when it detects an error in itself.
A wall you have to build around a noisy dot-matrix printer that makes only slightly less noise than a tree chipper.
- Power user:
Someone who's read the manual all the way through once.
A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create "user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.
What lots of people do with their computers after only a week and a half.
A clumsy program that forces users to stumble through ten menus to get anything done in DOS instead of typing a simple three-letter command.
- Toll-free hotline:
An AT&T repairman's busy-signal test number.
- Toner cartridge:
A device to refill laser printers; invented by the Association of American Drycleaners.
A program that forces you to sit through lessons on every last obscure and little-used feature of an application while ignoring overall fundamental tricks that would make you far more productive.
Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.
Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor. Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.
- Novice Users. People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
- Intermediate Users. People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
- Expert Users. People who break other people's computers.
Commonly, the belief of incompetent users that some mysterious external force is to blame for their mistakes at the keyboard.
What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.
Any PC that sells for more than $10,000.
All the computer that most users who just type letters or run typical spreadsheets will ever need, even though a 386 machine will reformat their text a whole tenth of a second faster.
Published in http://www.now-india.com/general/humor