- "Hi. Now you say something."
- "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."
- You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...
- You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.
- Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?
- Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions.
- Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
- (In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking...
- Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.
- Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
- I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
- Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
- Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?
- I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I'll call you back when I am...
- I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person.
- This is Alan. Leave me a message and tell me what I can do to... I mean, do FOR you.
- You have reached 555-6238. Why?
- This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.
- You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This is the nineties. You know what to do.
- You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.
Publised in oraclehumor.com