Simple Duties
|
| You make the bed | +1 |
| You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows | 0 |
| You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets | -1 |
| You leave the toilet seat up | -5 |
| You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty | 0 |
| When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex | -1 |
| When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom | -2 |
| You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light pantyliners with wings | +5 |
| But return with beer | -5 |
| You check out a suspicious noise at night | 0 |
| You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing | 0 |
| You check out a suspicious noise and it's something | +5 |
| You pummel it with a six iron | +10 |
| It's her father | -10 |
Your Physique
|
| You develop a noticeable potbelly | -15 |
| You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it | +10 |
| You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts | -5 |
Finances
|
| You spend a lot of money on something impractical | -5 |
| Something she can't use | -10 |
| Such as a motorized model airplane | -20 |
| And she got a small appliance for her birthday | -40 |
Driving
|
| You lost the directions on a trip | -4 |
| You lost the directions and end up getting lost | -10 |
| You end up getting lost in a bad part of town | -15 |
| You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal | -25 |
| You know them | -60 |
The Big Question
|
She asks, "Do I look fat?"
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit) | -5 |
| You hesitate in responding | -10 |
| You reply, "Where?" | -35 |
Communication
|
| When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression | 0 |
| When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes | +5 |
| You listen for more than 30 min. without looking at the TV | +10 |
| She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep | -20 |
Social Engagements
|
| You stay by her side the entire party | 0 |
| You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy | -2 |
| Named Tiffany | -4 |
| Tiffany is a dancer | -6 |
| Tiffany has implants | -8 |
| When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly | +1 |
| When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain" and pat her on the rump | -5 |
| When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you" | +1 |
| When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's attractive, you say, "Yeah, but she's lousy in bed" | -6 |
| That woman is her sister | -90 |
| You have one drink, and that's it | 0 |
| You have more than a few & perform the tango with a poodle | -2 |
| You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted | -18 |
Saturday Afternoon
|
| You go to the mall together | +3 |
| You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car | +4 |
| You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar | -2 |
| You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it | +3 |
| You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional | 0 |
| You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk | +3 |
| Most of it chips and beer | -6 |
| You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den | +15 |
| Or refinishing the floors | +16 |
| Or rewiring the basement | +17 |
| Or adding a second floor | +18 |
| Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket | -6 |
| And you're tickled pink about it | -15 |
| You visit her parents | 0 |
| You visit her parents and actually make conversation | +3 |
| You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television | -3 |
| And the television is off | -6 |
| You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear | -6 |
| And you didn't even go to college | -10 |
| And it's not your underwear | -15 |
Her Birthday
|
| You take her out to dinner | 0 |
| You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar | +1 |
| Okay, it is a sports bar | -2 |
| And it's all-you-can-eat night | -3 |
| It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team | -10 |
| You go to a nice, pricey restaurant & hire a guitar player | +3 |
| You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing | +4 |
| If you stink | +2 |
| If you're not half bad | +5 |
| You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause | -2 |
| You give her a gift | 0 |
| You give her a gift and it's a small appliance | -10 |
| You give her a gift and it's not a small appliance | +1 |
| You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate | +2 |
| You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months | +30 |
| You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day | -10 |
| With her credit card | -30 |
| And whatever you bought is two sizes too big | -40 |
Thoughtfulness
|
| You forget her birthday completely | -20 |
| You forget your anniversary | -30 |
| You forget to pick her up at the bus station | -45 |
| Which is in NewYork, New Jersey | -50 |
| And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast | -60 |
A Night Out With The Boys
|
| Go out with a pal | -5 |
| And the pal is happily married | -4 |
| Or frighteningly single | -7 |
| And he drives a Mustang | -10 |
| With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) | -15 |
| You have a few beers | -9 |
| And miss curfew by an hour | -12 |
| You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call | -20 |
| You get home at 3 am | -30 |
| You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars | -40 |
| And not wearing any pants | -50 |
| Is that a tattoo?? | -200 |
Her Night Out
|
| You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from work | +5 |
| She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home late | +10 |
| You wait up | +15 |
| She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed | +20 |
A Night At Home
|
| You watch TV together | 0 |
| You rent a movie | +2 |
| You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY | +3 |
| It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout | +5 |
| It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep | -1 |
| It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool | -2 |
A Night Out
|
| You take her to a movie | +2 |
| You take her to a movie she likes | +4 |
| You take her to a movie you hate | +6 |
| You take her to a movie you like | -2 |
| It's called DeathCop 3 | -3 |
| Which features cyborgs having sex | -9 |
| You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans | -15 |
Flowers
|
| You buy her flowers only when it's expected | 0 |
| You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it | +20 |
| You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself | +30 |
| And she contracts Lyme disease | -25 |