These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:
- I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
- I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computer and spreadsheet programs.
- Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
- Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
- Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
- Its best for employers that I not work with people.
- Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
- You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
- Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
- Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
- Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.
- I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
- I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free To respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
- I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
- I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
- As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
- Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
- Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.
- Marital status: often. Children: various.
- Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
- The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
- Finished eighth in my class of ten.
- References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.
Published in SoDamnFunny