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These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:
  • I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

  • I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computer and spreadsheet programs.

  • Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

  • Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

  • Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

  • Its best for employers that I not work with people.

  • Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

  • You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

  • Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

  • I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

  • Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

  • Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.

  • I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

  • I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free To respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

  • I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

  • My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

  • I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

  • As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

  • Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

  • Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

  • Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.

  • Marital status: often. Children: various.

  • Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.

  • The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

  • Finished eighth in my class of ten.

  • References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.
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Published in SoDamnFunny