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  • If it works, tear it apart and find out why!

  • Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

  • Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.

  • The rich gets richer; the poor get babies.


  • If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong.

  • Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

  • I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!

  • God may have mad man first, but there is always a ruff draft before a final copy.

  • Heaven won't have me and Hell's afraid I'll take over.

  • Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.

  • For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

  • Eat right, exercise daily, live clean, die anyway.

  • My wife ran away with my best friend. I sure miss him.

  • On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"

  • When there's a will, I want to be in it.

  • A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

  • Always glad to share my ignorance - I've got plenty.

  • As I said before, I never repeat myself.

  • Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

  • I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.

  • If I save time, when do I get it back?

  • If at first you don't succeed, put it out for beta test.

  • If in doubt, make it sound convincing.
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Published in CyberQuotations