- If it works, tear it apart and find out why!
- Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
- Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
- The rich gets richer; the poor get babies.
- hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?
- If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong.
- Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
- I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!
- God may have mad man first, but there is always a ruff draft before a final copy.
- Heaven won't have me and Hell's afraid I'll take over.
- Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
- For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
- Eat right, exercise daily, live clean, die anyway.
- My wife ran away with my best friend. I sure miss him.
- On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"
- When there's a will, I want to be in it.
- A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.
- Always glad to share my ignorance - I've got plenty.
- As I said before, I never repeat myself.
- Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
- I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.
- If I save time, when do I get it back?
- If at first you don't succeed, put it out for beta test.
- If in doubt, make it sound convincing.
Published in CyberQuotations